huge.

okay, my entire day was made on sunday as i left starbucks. who is standing right outside, shooting the shizz? none other than mr. big (aka as chris noth!). huzzah!

tipping my hand.

i feel that the constant dater and i are on some sort of parallel track or something... a couple of weeks ago i put my post up about girls night out and she posted something eerily similar, entitled: "girls night out." huh. then, today, when i checked her site again, her most recent post is: "tired of waiting." to which i responded, outloud, "amen, sister." when paul was in town, in the euphoric haziness of saturday night debauchery i posed the question: "is this it?" not that i wasn't having the best time with my best friend, because, well, we're fabulous... but it did get me thinking: "am i at some point going to have to resign myself to the fact that i might be single... forever." i guess, though, that my plan b isn't too shabby. a lifetime with paul at our bohemian nursing home, bedpans and poets? not bad at all.

okay, i know what you're all thinking. i'm 25!!! twenty-five is too early to be fatalistic! twenty-five is not forty-five and forty-five is the new twenty-five, so what-the-'ell, right? the way the lines play in my head is that i'm single by choice... that i haven't the time or the resources or the energy to find him... nor do i really give him the opportunity to find me... so once i actually do get my act together it might happen. clearly (so the story goes) it's simply a matter that i don't actually want to date anyone... why else would my subconscious select those individuals that are emotionally/geographically/otherwise unavailable to lust after. if i was really serious about getting serious about someone, wouldn't i choose to pursue people who i can really see myself being with?

i just want to go on record saying that i've thought about it and that i'm trying to be self-aware. perhaps it's one part "i don't have the time!" and another part "i don't want to make the time." i've wondered if i'm bitter... and i think maybe i am a little bit. i like to think that i've got a healthy amount of cynicism about men and relationships, but maybe it's bordering on angry man-hater... i can't figure out how to be more open even though i am keenly aware of putting walls up when men come my way. it's an infuriating catch-22... i can't seem to get close, but i feel like i need to get close to someone to prove to myself that it's okay to be vulnerable again. *sigh* the hopelessness is palpable, isn't it?

and don't even get me started about the madness of dating. i throw my hands up in the air and scream to the heavens: "i just don't get it!!!". remember when it was as simple as: "do you like me? yes or no?" granted, those relationships didn't quite make it past the first week, but for what it was, it was blissfully unencumbered by pretext or subtext. now i find myself forwarding emails to friends with the attached note: "so this is what he said. but what's he really saying?" this is a constant negotiation, between me and men and between me and myself. how much to read between the lines... how much to take at face value... how much to invest... when to divest... when is it advantageous to say yes... when should i firmly say no... as much as i resist playing the game, the ever more mired i get in the rules.

i'm exhausted. and i haven't even been "dating" for more than 10 months. i don't really see how "dating" eventually becomes a relationship, and... that's what i really want. there. i said it. i want a relationship. a boyfriend. someone that calls to make sure i got home okay. and picks me up from the airport. and brings me hot soup when i'm sick (i'm sick right now and feeling very needy... i might not have written this diatribe if i wasn't doped up on airborne and vitamin c). and its getting cold and i want someone to snuggle with when it snows outside. someone i can go on a cupcake runs with. walks in central park. jazz at the fat cat. dinner. dancing. the works. i want it all, not just the occasional drunken hookup on the weekend. a man for all season and all hours. at the very least, i want to have that dialogue with someone. doesn't anyone want to have that dialogue with me?

wtf?!

my apartment is falling apart... first the bathroom. then the kitchen. now the pipe behind my tv next to my window is leaking! my god, i wouldn't be entirely surprised if the entire ceiling just came down on me next week. the greatest tragedy of all is that i am without intertwang at my house because the leak damaged the cable modem box! argh. so i'm sitting at a starbucks sniffling and trying to get all my emailing needs taken care of in one fell swoop.

ps. mark, don't tell mom and dad.... they're bound to flip out and make me move and i don't have the time or resources to apartment hunt right now. *grumble grumble*

happy anniversary!

today is my two-year anniversary in new york city! paul came up from dc to help me celebrate...

review: dinner at the hudson hotel on friday, morningside heights, columbia, kitchenette (poor paul got bad service, but i had a delish cornbeef hash and a cupcake... not together though), central park with ethan, sushi for dinner saturday before arriving just in time to watch the scissor sisters rock out, a night cap in hell's kitchen before heading home to curl up on the couch and watch the island. today, katz's delicatessan where we had a dreamy hot pastrami sandwich... then teany's for mate latte before dropping paul off at penn station. what a whirlwind extravaganza!!! two days is entirely too short, boo... you must play hooky and we can make a whole weekend out of it!!!

anyways, two years in new york happens in the blink of an eye. one day i got off a train with two suitcases to work at rolling stone magazine... the next thing i know i'm in grad school living on the upper west side... taking frequent walks in central park... how far have we come? a long ways in a short time.

ramblings.

i live a life of long-term uncertainty. i don't know how i got here, but i suspect it has something to do with the whole pesky foreign student business which means that no matter where i am, i have an expiration date in the form of a stamp on my passport. the only exception is in the philippines where i am even more of a foreigner. at least here in the u.s. i can pass myself as a local (i'm sure some of you are thinking to yourself: "wait.... kristine isn't american???"), but in the philippines, there is no hiding the fact that even though i have a filipino passport, i am not, in fact, truly filipino. i'm constantly a stranger in a strange land.

anyways, my point is that, unlike most of my colleagues who can really have flexible plans about what they want to do, i have to have several plans of varying probabilities. there's the bschool plan which i have written about here, and then there's the employment plan. and then there's the not oft spoken about unemployment plan. and there's the deportation plan. haha, i jest. anyways, the bschool plan has been underway for sometime, but today i had my first interview of the recruitment season with j&j, for their human resources leadership development program and it went pretty well.

i have to say, i'm think i can be pretty good with interviewing. it baffles my mind how i suddenly transform into this uber-confident well-spoken individual with marketable skills when in class, my heart begins to pound the moment i raise my hand. i'm better in smaller group settings, i guess. i'm best one-on-one. anyways, it's something i need to work on. sorry, i'm just flabbergasted, i guess because i heard sentences like: "as a liaison between marketing and finance, i really had to negotiate the differing motivations of each department and come up with a solution that would achieve both their goals." i think i floated above my body, looked down, and thought to myself: "who is this person?" gah!

as for bschool plans, i've revised my choices somewhat. top of the heap is still darden and i had an opportunity to speak to an assistant director in the admissions office yesterday in which i told her, in no uncertain terms, "darden is my first choice. if i get in, i'm coming." and she was thrilled, and expressed that i should make sure to put that in my first essay clearly, and that it was certainly an edge to be someone who really connects with the program. essays are coming along, in the brainstorming phase right now. my next trip out is to the good ole alma mater, michigan, which i'm simultaneously excited and anxious about. and then, i think to round out my applications, i'm applying to duke in north carolina, whose business school, fuqua, i can't for the life of me figure out how to pronounce... and i get nervous that i'm being obscene.

it's surprising how the things i wanted to get out of an mba experience has really evolved just over the last month.... and that my list has made some significant changes over just the past week. when i started the process i thought: "well, i just want to go to a bschool with a solid social responsibility program." now, what i'm looking for is really refined to what my experience is going to be, who my colleauges are, and who i hope to become. stay tuned!

p.s. paul's up in the city for the weekend. wahoooooooooooo!

rules of order (a work in progress)

robert created his rules of order to make sense of parliamentary chaos. my rules make sense of the chaotic world of men. while inspired to some extent by the book, "he's just not that into you," these policies have really emerged from the bitterness of experience. just kidding. sort of.

above-the-fold-dating (or "how to date in the age of the internet") romance isn't dead, its just now transmitted in html code. as if human interaction isn't coded enough! i'm not talking about online dating. i'm talking about talking about dating online. i'm not that old-fashioned, but if you have my number, it would be nice if you called and took the risk of voice-on-voice contact instead of passively emailing me about friday night. in any case, since this is what you're doing, here's what i call dating "above-the-fold." as long as your email in my inbox remains within the frame of my firefox window (i.e. i don't have to use the scroll bar to see when you last emailed me) that's okay. but as soon as you're below the fold, you're in the red. sorry, charlie.

rule of threes this one is adopted from milan kundera's book, "the unbearable lightness of being," but revised somewhat, since the original version was concocted by tomas to prevent him from getting too serious with a woman. my version prevents me from getting too serious with a man who isn't serious about getting serious with me. the rule of threes is designed to thwart you men out there who think that as long as you shower me with affection and take me out to dinner, we can hook up and you can never really commit (i.e. have-your-cake-and-eat-it-too-syndrome). i'm on to you. once can be a fluke (read: drunken fortuity). and lightning can strike twice. but after three times decisions need to be made because i'm biologically wired to become attached. and, believe me, if i've seen you three times, chances are i already am.


that's all i got for now. but, i'm sure there will be more. cheers!

so much to say.

i feel like a bit of a poser using a d.m.b. reference for the title of this post, since i'm not really familiar with the song, but it's fitting and at the very least i'm sure aja and paul will appreciate it. and, we can all appreciate the fact that i had to do a whole lotta shots for the picture above...

so, to my devoted readership, sorry for the long hiatus. i'm sure you clicked that refresh button incessently, with the hope that i would one day resume posting. and, you probably were gripped with fear that i had abandoned the cheeky monkey for more lucrative ventures. but, i was actually spending the week recovering from the emotional shock of having a random homeless person appear to drop dead at my feet on 83rd and columbus before. and, no, that is not a joke. i can't rehash the details anymore, suffice to say i sat at my computer every so often wondering if i should document the horrendous event. this is, after all, an accounting of my life in my mid-20s, and compared with the minutiae i usually post here, it seemed significant enough that i would want documentation. in the end, i decided to just drink away the memory of the incident and post happier thoughts at the cheeky monkey. though, it made for a rather morbid writer's block for about a week.

so, what happiness do i have for you today? well, the first is to report that i travelled down to charlottesville to visit aja and virginia's bschool, darden. and i fell in love. like, head-over-heels-i-want-to-go-there-so-much-it-hurts kind of love. as in, i don't even think i'm applying to any other school but darden in love. which is huge, considering that on the car ride down from dc, i commented to aja that i had nixed the whole bschool thing and was just thinking of finding employment, but that i had already committed to the interview so i was going to go through the motions. i was disenchanted, to say the least... the thought of clawing through two years of a dog-eat-dog mba program was terrifying. but, as cliche as it sounds, i felt so different the moment i stepped onto darden's campus. it's so intimate, and beautiful, and i just felt supported and engaged being there. i can't even imagine now applying to any other school and feeling satisfied to have just "gotten in somewhere." darden is where i want to be, period. which means, if all goes according to plan (knock on wood) this could potentially be my last year in new york city (dum dum dummmm!!!). crazy. i can't even think about it right now.

next happy thing is that i had a wonderful reunion with some of the michigan boys this past weekend... in the words of one dj hone-y: "good times. good times." (i don't think he knows that he says that all the time). we hit up the green festival, caught some michigan football and the tigers game, heard about dan's development work in east timor and his run-ins with thai prostitutes (um, he was not involved in any monetary exchanges, just an innocent bystander/good samaritan)... it was a lovely time... and made me realize how much i really miss having that solid posse of friends to hang out with. while i have many friends in new york, i don't quite have a situation where all of them actually hang out with each other regularly enough or casually enough to be deemed a "posse", though, with grad school and the institution of "girls' night out," that is improving somewhat. but still, with the exception of elie, i never really go over to anyone's house to lounge, watch sports, and drink beer. i miss that. it's such a simple, home-grown pleasure.

anyways, speaking of elie, i've been invited by one of his friend's to attend my very first ever bachelor party, which, if tonight was the preview for, i am so psyched (i caught some monday night football with josh, elie, and sam--the groom). the plan is red rocks (the bar the movie coyote ugly was based on) and a strip club after... but, i will probably skip the strip club. i'm mainly going because i've been told that a whole host of interesting people with charming idiosyncracies will be there... like the man who thinks his testicles fall off when he gets high. i mean, i cannot miss this. aside from the interesting people, josh, elie, and sam together are a hilarious trio. here are some gems below:

sam: so, you go out with her twice a week, but you're not into her?
elie: yes, there's no way to get out of it... i know i'm screwed.
sam: well, you can always fake your own death.

sam: (describing someone's appalling interior decorating) the wallpaper was printed gumballs. then the knobs on the kitchen cabinets were gumballs!
kristine: who styled their place... willy wonka??

sam: what happened to the bengals? they were good in the beginning of the season.
elie: dude, there are 55 people on the team... 20 of them have courtdates in the next month.
kristine: oh no, how's todd holding up?
elie: he's so bummed out, he's buying knicks tickets.

a typical conversation with kaye.

i just got off the phone with my sister. standard fare... here's how it goes:

me: hi! so you went camping this weekend?

kaye: yeah, ben and i... we decided to go backpacking this weekend... have you ever been backpacking? well, ... there were flash floods and we were on a ridge, but it was good because ben and i... yadda yadda yadda... and he's stressed because of moving... i'm stressed out about graduating and school and blah blah blah... so in the end it was a good time. but, omigod, i'm so annoyed... i totally said she could come... it's not my responsibility to find her a ride.... but then she said "blah blah blah" so then i said "blah blah blah".... and i know that i'm the same but i'm different... so whatever, yeah. anyways, have you spoken to him recently? very strange, but you know there's a detachment there, blah blah blah... anyways, i'm at the grocery store, can i call you later? i'll just be an hour, so will you be home?

me: uh. yeah. okay, i guess.

kaye: okay bye!!!

when will little sisters have time to hear their big sisters out? *sigh*

G.N.O.

one of the things my life has seriously been lacking since i arrived in new york is a group of girlfriends. in college, i rolled with a posse of sassy ladies, most of whom i still keep in touch with now, but who live in locations quite remote (from me) such as d.c., ann arbor, chicago, san antonio, and san francisco. and my local nyc girlfriend, slomo, has been galavanting in florida, virginia, and the lower east side. between school, the internship, and everything in between, little time has been spent cultivating that special bond that exists between women. you know, the kind of bond that allows me to speak about the unique female experience and receive empathy, hugs, and assurances that i'm good enough, smart enough, and doggone it, someone will love me! not that i don't get plenty of nurturing from my male compatriots, because i do... and they are absolutely wonderful. but no man, however sensitive, can ever truly understand a woman the way a woman can understand a woman. or, rather, a man can never understand what a woman is thinking about a man the way a woman can. you just don't psychoanalyze the subtext like we do... just like i will never truly understand how you guys can memorize every random factoid about NFL, from player stats, to team stats, to games that were played in 1972, before you were even born.

so, one of the best resolutions of my new year (shana tova, btw) is to spend some quality time with the softer sex. actually, it wasn't so much my idea as it was lexi's, who demanded that a weekly dinner after strategy class every tuesday was in order. sure, there are always articles to be read and research to be done, but girls need to eat and talk and gush and cry and giggle and empathize and bemoan and laugh and sound off and reach out and everything. so now, after class, kim, lexi, and i abandon our male counterparts, cam, steve, and carl, for our G.N.O... Girls Night Out--strictly no boys allowed. though there's plenty of discussion of them, believe you me.

which leads me to my final point: i was actually thinking about a comment lex made during our inaugural dinner last week, that women, no matter how smart, diverse, talented, or accomplished, will often, in the company of other women, find themselves talking about nothing but relationships. i would say this is 80 percent accurate, because 15 percent of the time we've discussed anxiety about jobs and school, and maybe 5 percent of the time i contemplated cutting my hair. but i find this completely acceptable, particularly for women, such as myself, who have such limited time with other women. i can discuss politics or philosophy or jack bauer with just about anyone (well, maybe not the last one)... but i only really get to discuss being a woman and my relationship with men with other women.

guess who's having the best week ever?

sure, paul is in africa saving pandas, and elie got busy to some jazz at the fat cat. but kristine is having the best week ever!

first of all, i had an SNL lazy sunday, except ten times better because it was on a wednesday: i hit up magnolia and macked on some cupcakes--they were crazy delicious. i'm going to make sure to have a lazy monday tomorrow.

to make life even more awesome, i found out this weekend that i've been hired as the associate administrator for the upcoming nyc group relations conference at the teachers college in november! yes, this is the fall version of the conference i attended in the spring that i came out of all "crazy-like"--as paul likes to say. as crazy as i might have seemed, i had an incredible transformative experience, and i've been exploring more ways of getting involved in the institute. a few weeks ago, my t.a. from my group dynamics course contacted me about the possibility of helping her administer a conference and observe the proceedings from "the other side of the boundary," as we like to say. on saturday, i interviewed with the director of the conference and have been "formally authorized to take up" the role and all the benefits and challenges that come with it. while the experience is certainly going to be very different from that of a participant, i will have a whole new perspective from which to view and interpret group interactions... so exciting! stay tuned for a post come november!

and, the frosting on an already crazy delicous cupcake is that, despite mta construction that forced me to take 5 different trains to get to brooklyn this morning, i am now authorized to volunteer at 826nyc. i'm a little nervous about tutoring kids, but thrilled to be participating in nurturing the future of america. fyi, i get a 40 percent discount on items at the superhero supply store, so if anyone wants muscles in a can or a cape or anything, leave your requests in the comments section of this post.

i also had a pleasant but accidental gal-date today after the volunteer orientation. this girl noticed my filipino passport and mentioned that she was filipina, too. we ended up taking the train back into manhattan, hanging out at the strand (where i picked up how we are hungry, by dave eggers--in honor of my first day at his tutoring center--and assassination vacation, by sarah vowell), lunch at klong (whose crispy duck salad rivals thai phoon's--yum!), and shoe shopping in the village and union square. i spent four hours hanging out with a complete stranger today. it's weird that that's not weird. only in new york.