tipping my hand.
i feel that the constant dater and i are on some sort of parallel track or something... a couple of weeks ago i put my post up about girls night out and she posted something eerily similar, entitled: "girls night out." huh. then, today, when i checked her site again, her most recent post is: "tired of waiting." to which i responded, outloud, "amen, sister." when paul was in town, in the euphoric haziness of saturday night debauchery i posed the question: "is this it?" not that i wasn't having the best time with my best friend, because, well, we're fabulous... but it did get me thinking: "am i at some point going to have to resign myself to the fact that i might be single... forever." i guess, though, that my plan b isn't too shabby. a lifetime with paul at our bohemian nursing home, bedpans and poets? not bad at all.
okay, i know what you're all thinking. i'm 25!!! twenty-five is too early to be fatalistic! twenty-five is not forty-five and forty-five is the new twenty-five, so what-the-'ell, right? the way the lines play in my head is that i'm single by choice... that i haven't the time or the resources or the energy to find him... nor do i really give him the opportunity to find me... so once i actually do get my act together it might happen. clearly (so the story goes) it's simply a matter that i don't actually want to date anyone... why else would my subconscious select those individuals that are emotionally/geographically/otherwise unavailable to lust after. if i was really serious about getting serious about someone, wouldn't i choose to pursue people who i can really see myself being with?
i just want to go on record saying that i've thought about it and that i'm trying to be self-aware. perhaps it's one part "i don't have the time!" and another part "i don't want to make the time." i've wondered if i'm bitter... and i think maybe i am a little bit. i like to think that i've got a healthy amount of cynicism about men and relationships, but maybe it's bordering on angry man-hater... i can't figure out how to be more open even though i am keenly aware of putting walls up when men come my way. it's an infuriating catch-22... i can't seem to get close, but i feel like i need to get close to someone to prove to myself that it's okay to be vulnerable again. *sigh* the hopelessness is palpable, isn't it?
and don't even get me started about the madness of dating. i throw my hands up in the air and scream to the heavens: "i just don't get it!!!". remember when it was as simple as: "do you like me? yes or no?" granted, those relationships didn't quite make it past the first week, but for what it was, it was blissfully unencumbered by pretext or subtext. now i find myself forwarding emails to friends with the attached note: "so this is what he said. but what's he really saying?" this is a constant negotiation, between me and men and between me and myself. how much to read between the lines... how much to take at face value... how much to invest... when to divest... when is it advantageous to say yes... when should i firmly say no... as much as i resist playing the game, the ever more mired i get in the rules.
i'm exhausted. and i haven't even been "dating" for more than 10 months. i don't really see how "dating" eventually becomes a relationship, and... that's what i really want. there. i said it. i want a relationship. a boyfriend. someone that calls to make sure i got home okay. and picks me up from the airport. and brings me hot soup when i'm sick (i'm sick right now and feeling very needy... i might not have written this diatribe if i wasn't doped up on airborne and vitamin c). and its getting cold and i want someone to snuggle with when it snows outside. someone i can go on a cupcake runs with. walks in central park. jazz at the fat cat. dinner. dancing. the works. i want it all, not just the occasional drunken hookup on the weekend. a man for all season and all hours. at the very least, i want to have that dialogue with someone. doesn't anyone want to have that dialogue with me?
okay, i know what you're all thinking. i'm 25!!! twenty-five is too early to be fatalistic! twenty-five is not forty-five and forty-five is the new twenty-five, so what-the-'ell, right? the way the lines play in my head is that i'm single by choice... that i haven't the time or the resources or the energy to find him... nor do i really give him the opportunity to find me... so once i actually do get my act together it might happen. clearly (so the story goes) it's simply a matter that i don't actually want to date anyone... why else would my subconscious select those individuals that are emotionally/geographically/otherwise unavailable to lust after. if i was really serious about getting serious about someone, wouldn't i choose to pursue people who i can really see myself being with?
i just want to go on record saying that i've thought about it and that i'm trying to be self-aware. perhaps it's one part "i don't have the time!" and another part "i don't want to make the time." i've wondered if i'm bitter... and i think maybe i am a little bit. i like to think that i've got a healthy amount of cynicism about men and relationships, but maybe it's bordering on angry man-hater... i can't figure out how to be more open even though i am keenly aware of putting walls up when men come my way. it's an infuriating catch-22... i can't seem to get close, but i feel like i need to get close to someone to prove to myself that it's okay to be vulnerable again. *sigh* the hopelessness is palpable, isn't it?
and don't even get me started about the madness of dating. i throw my hands up in the air and scream to the heavens: "i just don't get it!!!". remember when it was as simple as: "do you like me? yes or no?" granted, those relationships didn't quite make it past the first week, but for what it was, it was blissfully unencumbered by pretext or subtext. now i find myself forwarding emails to friends with the attached note: "so this is what he said. but what's he really saying?" this is a constant negotiation, between me and men and between me and myself. how much to read between the lines... how much to take at face value... how much to invest... when to divest... when is it advantageous to say yes... when should i firmly say no... as much as i resist playing the game, the ever more mired i get in the rules.
i'm exhausted. and i haven't even been "dating" for more than 10 months. i don't really see how "dating" eventually becomes a relationship, and... that's what i really want. there. i said it. i want a relationship. a boyfriend. someone that calls to make sure i got home okay. and picks me up from the airport. and brings me hot soup when i'm sick (i'm sick right now and feeling very needy... i might not have written this diatribe if i wasn't doped up on airborne and vitamin c). and its getting cold and i want someone to snuggle with when it snows outside. someone i can go on a cupcake runs with. walks in central park. jazz at the fat cat. dinner. dancing. the works. i want it all, not just the occasional drunken hookup on the weekend. a man for all season and all hours. at the very least, i want to have that dialogue with someone. doesn't anyone want to have that dialogue with me?
posted by cheeky monkey at 9:33 PM
1 Comments:
Personally, im hoping that you end up alone. That way, i get you all to myself for our fabulous life running the bohemian Bedpans and Poets! Sounds like plan B should become plan A.
Post a Comment
<< Home