miss me?

so, i've had quite the hiatus. many apologies to my devoted readership, as i know you wait with bated breath, obsessively refreshing your browser window. i blame the tides of change for my absence. i was waiting to hear back from a job, and since it was all i could think about, i knew it would be all i would want to write about. then, i heard back (good news!) and got caught up in the activities of tying up the loose ends of my life in new york. yes, friends, i'm leaving... departing this enchanted island of manhattan and moving westward, to work for a little company in silicon valley.

so for now, as school begins to taper off, and extracurriculars are passed along to the new kids on the block, life and time will be devoted to soaking up new york. and i'll be documenting each and every step of the way for your reading pleasure!

if my life was a movie...

Opening Credits: Farewell to the Old Me, Dar Williams

um... hello? this is practically my theme song: "My life is working better now / But always changing anyhow"

Waking Up: Goodbye Girl, Squeeze

i'm a little embarrassed to say that i downloaded this song after watching the ad for underarmor last summer.

First Day of School: I Can't Get Next to You, Al Green

hell ya, i've gotta have a little al green in the mix. what it has to do with school, i dunno...

Falling in Love: Such Great Heights, Postal Service

let's keep our fingers crossed that i'll be waving from such great heights in the near future.

First Song: Bang Bang, Dispatch

"She woke me up with a bang, bang..." sounds kinky!

Breaking Up: Lyon, Pinback

i can't understand most of pinback's lyrics, but this song sounds appropriately mournful, just like all breaking up songs should be.

Prom: The River of Dreams, Billy Joel

you can't go wrong with billy. expect to cut a rug with me on prom night. and there might be sonambulating involved.

Driving: All I Wanna Do, Sheryl Crow

"all i want to do is have a little fun before i die..." i think, my ipod is trying to tell me to lighten up.

Flashback: Ghost Train, Counting Crows

"across the desert from sea to shining sea..." i can only suppose that i'm flashing back to my days as a bedouin.

Starting a New Relationship: Bullet Proof, Goo Goo Dolls

does this meme have my number or what? i've spent the last few years bulletproofing.

Wedding: Don't Panic, Coldplay
Birth of Child: Flake, Jack Johnson

apparently i'm going to be a runaway bride and a deadbeat mom.

Final Battle: Pon de Replay, Rihanna

my final battle is a dance-off. shakin' what my momma gave me.

Death Scene: Where is the Love?, Black Eyed Peas & Justin Timberlake

i think its clear from this song that i will be posthumously awarded the nobel peace prize. probably as a result of my aforementioned dancing, which managed to bring the jets and sharks, the bloods and the crips, the republicans and the democrats into one happy, warm, fuzzy group hug.

Funeral Song: The Good Times are Killing Me, Modest Mouse

when you can be ironic at your own funeral, you're a pretty cool person.

End Credits: Mission, Dispatch

"we're on a mission" -- what a way to bookend my inspirational life of change, perseverance, and getting jiggy wid it.

amen

domino effect.

okay, i know everyone says that once your first friend gets engaged, many others will soon follow suit. i didn't realize that it would be in one fell swoop in a little over a month! i kid you not, since thanksgiving, i have heard of at least six people who have gotten engaged, and that doesn't include [spoiler alert] the two proposals on grey's anatomy tonight. i know three of these people personally, and the other three are friends of friends. btw, i found out about my cousin's engagement on myspace, when i logged onto her page full of "congrats soon-to-be mrs. v----!" [ominous music] it has begun... btw, my money's on wolka by the end of the year... if only because he said over dinner that i would be an impulse bride in 2007. me, impulsive? does he not know me at all?

so... while we're on the topic, can i confess something? i... am... not... so... into... shiny... sparkly... overpriced... tetrahedrally bonded carbon atoms. and while the whole issue of blood diamonds provides a socially acceptable reason for shunning bling, the real reason is i don't find anything very appealing or exciting about compressed coal. on the rare occasion that i walk into a jewelry store (which i am forced to do every now and then because my mom and sister are diamond maniacs) i will ooh and ahh for five minutes (more perfunctory than anything else) and then sulk in a corner, bored to death. i just don't get it. can someone who really appreciates cut, clarity, carat, and color please explain?

even more lame.

i'm quickly descending into the depths of being the worst online dater ever. *bob*--36-year-old *bob*--(wow i just can't let that go) wrote me a plaintive email to inquire if he had messed up somehow... did he do something wrong? well, other than being a child of the 70s, not really, but can i really say that after exchanging multiple emails with him and giving him my phone number? not without looking like a complete moron. and i am a complete moron, for thinking that the age thing wouldn't matter when it really really really does matter. so i let myself down easy by letting him down easy... "bob, i'm sorry but my circumstances have changed, so i'm not going to be on match much longer..." i know it was a copout, but for the love of god, the man wrote: "i suck at playing the dating game, oh well." i didn't want to kick him while he was down.

the thing is, too, i know i was feeling sorta kinda lonely around finals... but i got back from break and whatever neediness i felt in december is just gone. *poof* and now i'm pretty content to snuggle on my couch by myself and watch grey's anatomy and type on my blog. it's weird how that loneliness can ebb and flow and i can't put my finger on any reason in particular. it probably has a lot to do with feeling reconnected to the world again after my strategery paper/house arrest debacle. i actually met up with a friend yesterday for mid-afternoon tea, chatted with my advisor this afternoon, and i have reunion dinners on sunday and monday. in short... i have my life back. i am interacting with actual live human beings. this diminishes the need to pursue virtual relationships with older men on the intertwang.

fizzle.

i. just. can't. do. it. cap'n.

so, i'm lame. i signed up for match.com almost exactly a month ago and nothing has come to fruition because i can't help but be very very very judgemental online. take marathon man... he's nice enough, for sure. we have great online chemistry. he gets my punny sense of humor and my virtual flirtatiousness. but i can't, i just can't, get over the fact that he is a whole decade older than me. and that his name is bob. i think the fact that he calls himself *bob* makes the 10-year difference seems astronomically large. i mean, how many people my age do i know named bob? robby, maybe. rob. bobby. but i can't do bob. figuratively and literally. call me age-ist and immature and what have you... but i can't.... i just can't.

my affection for match.com has also been greatly diminished by the number of 40+ year old men who have winked at me. every time i log on and see that i've been checked out and pursued by someone who could have babysat for me, i need to shower to wash the ick off me. and why are you writing me from florida and wisconsin??? what about that screams "mail order bride"???

sigh. so, it seems like my foray into internet dating will soon be over and i will be back to wallowing about being single the old fashioned way. but, i can at least now say that i've given it a go and found no one to my liking. sorry to let y'all down.

notable quotable

me talking to kim about game boy and his excessive use of the "haha":

"he just isn't very funny. that's why he tacks on the "haha" at the end of everything. to cue my laughter."

votre grenouille a mangé mon dejeuner

if i were a man with a soul, i'd fall in love with the girl who wrote:

books like einstein's dreams make me wistful for alternate universes where time has different qualities, closets have portals to other worlds, and cupboards make toy indians come alive. sigh.

wouldn't you?

only a geek like me...

... would love a shirt like this:

marathon man and fuzzy dating math.

okay, now for the good news. i did make a connection with someone else online. he's a wee bit older than the men i usually go for (okay, he's 36... which is about 12 years older than what i average). but he seems silly (in a good way), has excellent email presence, is witty, charming, and appears to have actually read my profile (which i put a lot of work into). he brings out my relaxed and cheeky side, which is no small feat in the middle of finals.

and he offers up interesting things to do. for example, when i asked game boy about good places in his neighborhood he couldn't name any! nada. that must mean something... i just don't know what. marathon man, on the other hand, proposed two awesome places in my neighborhood, one of which happens to be one of my very favorites: dive 75. he gets major points for that, right?

so the age thing. it kind of scares me. i don't know why... but, maybe because i've always felt younger than my age. not so much immature as less experienced. *shrug* but, i'm trying to challenge myself to step outside of my comfort zone by breaking old habits, like dating different iterations of ex-boyfriends, escapism, and running away at the slightest hint of discomfort. in fact, i'm considering making 2007 the year of strategically placed "yesses." (i don't think i could say yes to everybody... baby steps, you know). we'll have to see how bold i'm feeling in the new year.

so how old is too old? and how young is too young? well, my good friend melanie posed this answer, which i absolutely love. your range is the determined by the following formulas:

the youngest you can go: ( [your age] / 2 ) + 7 (for example: 26/2 + 7 = 20)
the oldest you can go: ( [your age] - 7 ) * 2 (for example: (26 - 7) * 2 = 38)

enjoy!

the game boy.

so, right about now is the time that i come up with a catchy little pseudonym for people i go out with on match, so that i can dish about them on blogger. paulix suggest that the first guy be called "the new katz"--in reference to the smoldering flame i once held for mr. dlkatz of 306 north state. ah me. it's a little unwieldy, so i'm actually going to go for "the game boy" for reasons which will become apparent below.

so, game boy: after much beating around the bush (a couple of emails back and forth, and some inquiries about how i'm liking match.com), finally finally finally asked me out: "think you might be up for actually getting together?" i sent him my email address and about an hour later, a little note popped up on gmail asking if it would be okay if game boy chatted with me. oh man. real time conversation... pretty scary. it was only then i realized how safe i'd been playing it behind the security of a website interface. the first few moments of chatting seemed harmless enough... though he did inqure as to whether i was on friendster or myspace, which i thought odd, since there are plenty of photos of me up on match.com. we threw around some ideas for our date, and he coyly suggested playing video games, or rather, teaching me how to play video games. it was cute enough, given the context of the convo. hence the name... the game boy. so this is where it gets a little weird...

1. he tacks on a "haha" to the end of everything he says. i counted twenty times. sure, i use haha's too, but i only used them four times in the course of our conversation. i know, i know, this is akin to me throwing on a "just kidding" at the end of everything i say, but it was just plain awkward. and not the endearing awkward that i usually fawn over. oh, and he uses "u" instead of "you." one of my biggest pet peeves ever. i know that i need to take a step back because the intertwang is my domain. i think i'm pretty savvy when it comes to having an online conversation or writing an email... it's a medium that just works for me. i'm trying to remember that internet presence doesn't translate to bad in-person presence. i'm trying... but i love people who can flirt effectively in text format. it's one of my turn-ons... so much so that this might be a deal-breaker. eep.

2. he asked me to be his girlfriend. well, he asked: "how can i make you my girlfriend?" i'm not kidding... while it was coy and makes more sense in the context of the converation... still... whoa nelly. i might be on my way to becoming a born-again romantic... but i still don't believe in love at first sight, especially over the webosphere. why not wait until after a drink or two to start having those kinds of delusions.

3. he kept talking about kissing me. as if it was a given. again.... see arguments in #2. you're cute, i'll grant you that. but i'm a little particular about the people i lay lips on. one gchat does not mean we'll be making out. in fact, he started off with saying that he would let me win at video games so that he wouldn't miss out on a kiss. let me win??? i had to stifle my indignance. i told him: "i like to earn my victories." booyakasha.

4. then he asked: "do you mind that i'm jewish?" those who know me will find this question quite humorous. isn't it an odd question? i mean, he states on his profile that he's jewish, and if i minded i wouldn't have winked at him. it makes me think he must have had some evangelistic girlfriend in the past try to convert him. my response? "No, unless YOU mind that you're jewish, but then that's really not my problem."

UPDATE: while waiting for the train home, alexis and jenny gave their thumbs down. definitely weird was the consensus.

so, okay, he might not seem to be good boyfriend material, but could he be good dating experience material? i mean, part of the reason i signed up for this whole thang is to go through the whole awkwardness of dating... i mean, none of us really dated in college, right? i know i didn't. it would be like how i signed up for a trillion interviews for jobs i wasn't interested in so that i could get comfortable answering questions in my suit. and what is dating but an interview over drinks and dinner?

"what's in a name?" and other short stories...

you can tell a lot about someone from their handle on match.com. or rather, you can justify making snap judgements about a person based entirely on their handle. i agonized over mine before settling for something that seemed to say enough without saying the wrong things. what are the wrong things? well, putting your profession in your name gives me a weird vibe, particularly if that profession is banker, trader, or lawyer. it makes me think of an identity exercise i did for class, where we had to list our most salient identities. i'm not so sure i'm keen on someone whose most salient identity is their high-paying job. i tend to skip over these men. (wow, i'm incredibly judgemental, aren't i?) also, saying you are "hotstuff294" or "da_stud" do not win you any points either. the best one i've encountered yet was the handle: EQ_IQ_GQ. if that doesn't sum up exactly what i'm looking for in a man, i don't know what does. i promptly gave him a wink.

what i'm finding out on match is that every detail matters. for example, for awhile, i had "curvy" down as my body type, but once i started browsing i noticed that no men had "curvy" up on their list of what they're looking for in a mate. most had "slender" or "athletic" neither of which i am. and then there was "about average" which was listed way more than "curvy" was. which made me realize, though i shouldn't have been surprised, that "curvy" on the intertwang is just a cute little euphemism for fat. this was confirmed when i clicked the link on my profile to find more people like me... not to be cruel, but this is the reality of the virtual dating world. as i once used to say: "you never know if the person on the other end is just a large wooden rabbit." whatever that means. so now, sadly, i'm "about average" and wondering if my lips really are my best feature... i can't really bring myself to say my ass...

my other big fear was that i would get lost in a sea of women whose profiles started with: "sexy, intelligent, sassy woman looking for sensitive, hot man for dinner dates, cuddling, and maybe more...." so not my style. i can't get into the long disccussion of who i am and what i want... even though i know that's what dr. phil wants me to do. but, i find the self-descriptions to be somewhat annoying, self-aggrandizing, and probably pretty inaccurate in that a lot of them are highly subjective. i read plenty of profiles that say: "i'm sexy." and i look at the picture and think, "doesn't really work for me." so i stuck with "facts" as in "fact: i love cupcakes." doesn't that tell you more about me than an "i am sexy"? whether you find that sexy, repulsive, boring, endearing, or whatever is up to you... they are what they are... facts.

another thing i'm noticing is that i get a lot of attention from asian men. which, i think is because asian men are looking for asian women. for this reason, i've considered removing "asian" from my profile and just telling people about my asian-ness once i get to know them. it's really a silly thing to have to point out. well, that and i think that aside from the aesthetic quality of being asian, it's not my most salient identity and one i feel says the least about me. i mean i'm asian, but culturally speaking i'm neither here nor there with being asian. and, i've been told, i'm really more jewish than asian. haha.

so far, the conversion rate is pretty low... 206 profile views... 30 people have winked or emailed, and out of those, i'm chatting with one of 'em about possibly getting together. on my end i've winked at maybe 17 men, two of whom have winked back, one of which has emailed and we've started chatting and have talked about setting up a date and playing halo. (yes halo) so... 3 /206 = just a hair over 1% conversion from profile view to date. i wonder if that's pretty standard. while this might seem slightly demoralizing, it does appeal to me that the numbers are still pretty low. part of my hesistancy with the online dating thing was that it just seemed too easy... too served up on a platter. where's the struggle and challenge of romance? i like that the odds are still against you, to some extent, because if love was easy, then it wouldn't be special. and i just LOVE that you can quantify it. god, i'm a dork. no wonder i'm still single.