exhale.
i think i'm returning to normalcy which is both a good and bad thing, i s'pose. yesterday was such a daze... it seems light years away. my emotions have been up and down for the last 48 hours, which, i'm told is very normal. after my nap yesterday, i woke up crying, and then today, my eyes have been welling up on a whim. i don't even know what the trigger is... i have a sense that part of it is that i'm overwhelmed by having tapped into some profound hidden emotions. what is incredible to me is how mentally and emotionally draining the event was... i feel like i've run a marathon. it's almost a little scary to see how powerful psychic forces can be... i feel as if i was able to tangibly and viscerally experience the psychodynamic forces. it's bizarre, and i'm very aware that it sounds almost cult-like and wacky. i guess you'll just have to go through one, at some point.
part of my sadness is feeling like i didn't get any closure with john l., who i became incredibly close to through the conference. he left suddenly and we didn't get to say our goodbyes. i sent him an email today, and we have plans to see each other in dc during my next trip down, so maybe those down in dc will get chance to meet him. i'm hoping that we will collaborate on some work together surrounding some of the ideas we talked about in our WE group (social change, hegemony, oppression, etc.) and i'll be sending him a bibliography from my class on critical theory. i'm curious as to what such a collaboration will entail, since the work occupies a space somewhere between philosophy, political science, and psychology... and i have no idea what that means in terms of producing anything. but, i've been told that john l. is an exceptional mentor, and i'm so honored to be one of his "babies" (as he refers to his mentees as).
while the primary task of the conference was to "experience and explore systemic processes overt and covert, conscious and unconscious encountered in the exercise of authority and leadership," i felt that by the very nature of its title, "embracing a world of difference," and the world forum event, there was a component of social impact/advocacy. i'm rolling some idea around in my head along the lines of people connecting over common experiences or philosophies, and something about how we can, through the people we know, have access to other people who, on the surface, may appear to have nothing in common with me. it occurred to me during the last ALL meeting when the conference staff and the large group were discussing why, in the world event, people felt disengaged with management. it was proposed that the disengagement with management had to do with the racial makeup of management in relation to the people in the large groups. at some point i thought: well, i don't feel particularly disengaged with management, and it has nothing to do with representation. there was an asian woman on the staff, but i realized that i usually do not connect with people simply because they are asian women. my asian experience is not mirrored by asian americans or asians... its in a middle space. my connection with staff had to do with my connection to john l. who was the mentor for many staff members. and my connection to john l. had nothing to do with race or gender, but a similar philosophy that we discovered in each other. there's something there... tickling at the edge of my brain. there is also something there about how we seek out groups that have an "other" rather than groups that encompass a range of human experience. for example, people were obsessed when the formation of WE groups began with identifying an "other" to the groups that were suggested: "should we have a straight group, if we are to have an lgbta group? should we have a white group as a counter to the asian group?" the "other" is a comfortable place for us... maybe it makes the anxiety of belonging tangible; if we cannot identify what isus, we can at least identify what we are not. i feel smug about the selection of my group topic, because oppression is experienced by everyone in some way. and because of this, our group was able to rally around the theme.
recap: (will be cryptic, stream of consciousness) the third day, i came in early. we organized our chairs in the main room in our WE group. no one else organized in a group. the council of ambassadors proposed a hypthesis. talked about how we had a connection of management and also challenged dr. green ("we are not blocking you, we are connecting you to the rest of the group"). met in the SEE group afterwards... talked about conflict/shame/asian/fear. weird because apparently authorized when sexuality emerged... men talking about desire = ability to release emotion. there is something unexplored about attraction/aggression... began to touch on it on the last day. in the MORE talked a little bit about relating fear of group to explore the here and now to the fear of violence, particularly since WTC was two blocks away. something about how 9/11 provokes a fear within the conference of releasing anger. would be interesting to relate current political climate to conference. also asian group relations to explore asian experience suggested by john l.
now group: fear realized, when frank attacked me for being an asshole (yup, someone actually called me an asshole). talked about how i felt upset because i was anticipating being yelled at and it actually happened. fear of asserting/authorizing. world makes sense. political science --> psychology --> social impact. talked about how we often dislike people because they do what we want to do.
afterwards, had a great talk with bruce, flora, and zachary. got wonderful feedback about work in the conference. was encouraged to pursue more work in group dynamics. not sure what that will look like. intrigued. a little freaked out. excited. want to make sure i really keep what works in me. felt very alive...
part of my sadness is feeling like i didn't get any closure with john l., who i became incredibly close to through the conference. he left suddenly and we didn't get to say our goodbyes. i sent him an email today, and we have plans to see each other in dc during my next trip down, so maybe those down in dc will get chance to meet him. i'm hoping that we will collaborate on some work together surrounding some of the ideas we talked about in our WE group (social change, hegemony, oppression, etc.) and i'll be sending him a bibliography from my class on critical theory. i'm curious as to what such a collaboration will entail, since the work occupies a space somewhere between philosophy, political science, and psychology... and i have no idea what that means in terms of producing anything. but, i've been told that john l. is an exceptional mentor, and i'm so honored to be one of his "babies" (as he refers to his mentees as).
while the primary task of the conference was to "experience and explore systemic processes overt and covert, conscious and unconscious encountered in the exercise of authority and leadership," i felt that by the very nature of its title, "embracing a world of difference," and the world forum event, there was a component of social impact/advocacy. i'm rolling some idea around in my head along the lines of people connecting over common experiences or philosophies, and something about how we can, through the people we know, have access to other people who, on the surface, may appear to have nothing in common with me. it occurred to me during the last ALL meeting when the conference staff and the large group were discussing why, in the world event, people felt disengaged with management. it was proposed that the disengagement with management had to do with the racial makeup of management in relation to the people in the large groups. at some point i thought: well, i don't feel particularly disengaged with management, and it has nothing to do with representation. there was an asian woman on the staff, but i realized that i usually do not connect with people simply because they are asian women. my asian experience is not mirrored by asian americans or asians... its in a middle space. my connection with staff had to do with my connection to john l. who was the mentor for many staff members. and my connection to john l. had nothing to do with race or gender, but a similar philosophy that we discovered in each other. there's something there... tickling at the edge of my brain. there is also something there about how we seek out groups that have an "other" rather than groups that encompass a range of human experience. for example, people were obsessed when the formation of WE groups began with identifying an "other" to the groups that were suggested: "should we have a straight group, if we are to have an lgbta group? should we have a white group as a counter to the asian group?" the "other" is a comfortable place for us... maybe it makes the anxiety of belonging tangible; if we cannot identify what isus, we can at least identify what we are not. i feel smug about the selection of my group topic, because oppression is experienced by everyone in some way. and because of this, our group was able to rally around the theme.
recap: (will be cryptic, stream of consciousness) the third day, i came in early. we organized our chairs in the main room in our WE group. no one else organized in a group. the council of ambassadors proposed a hypthesis. talked about how we had a connection of management and also challenged dr. green ("we are not blocking you, we are connecting you to the rest of the group"). met in the SEE group afterwards... talked about conflict/shame/asian/fear. weird because apparently authorized when sexuality emerged... men talking about desire = ability to release emotion. there is something unexplored about attraction/aggression... began to touch on it on the last day. in the MORE talked a little bit about relating fear of group to explore the here and now to the fear of violence, particularly since WTC was two blocks away. something about how 9/11 provokes a fear within the conference of releasing anger. would be interesting to relate current political climate to conference. also asian group relations to explore asian experience suggested by john l.
now group: fear realized, when frank attacked me for being an asshole (yup, someone actually called me an asshole). talked about how i felt upset because i was anticipating being yelled at and it actually happened. fear of asserting/authorizing. world makes sense. political science --> psychology --> social impact. talked about how we often dislike people because they do what we want to do.
afterwards, had a great talk with bruce, flora, and zachary. got wonderful feedback about work in the conference. was encouraged to pursue more work in group dynamics. not sure what that will look like. intrigued. a little freaked out. excited. want to make sure i really keep what works in me. felt very alive...
posted by cheeky monkey at 11:42 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home